Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Part 1: Nithyananda's Record at Healing

Nithyananda, a Well Healed Master
Paramahamsa Nithyananda, do you remember when you first came to the U.S. and you said that healing was your calling card? "Aghhhh." Nice grunt there, Sri Nithyananda. We have a translator and we understand that "Aghhhh" means "Yes" in Gruntanese. By the way, will Gruntanese be your official language when you do finally get that country you've been aiming for? Sorry, I didn't mean to side track you from your busy schedule. There's a lot potential donors in the audience and you need to work each one so they will give you the maximum. Sorry, Sri Nithyananda, this won't take very long at all.

So, Sri Nithyananda, can you tell us about your miraculous healing abilities? Does your healing energy always work? Sorry, there, Sri Nithyananda, but your wrong again. You’re a little spotty there, kind of like your healing energy. If someone comes for healing and you say in your trademark language "You will be healed.” and for some reason, that person is not healed and keels over and dies, what do you tell them, Sri Nithyananda? We want to hear. After all, your reputation and ability to score big donations and possibly a cut of someone's will is at stake. Tell us, Sri Nithyananda. We want to know. Sri Nithyananda, are you in Samadhi again? You just look very blank and expressionless. Oh, I remember what you tell these people, you, Sri Nithyananda, say "I healed the soul." Wow, that seems like a full proof alibi. That's almost as good as your ‘immaculate conception’ story (note: future blog post)... that way, you're never held responsible... and the dead person is never going to bother you... in fact you might be able to enlist them into your service of slavery with a few red chilies and camp fire ritual. Pretty cool. And, the survivors, who just might be flushed with an inheritance, (we know you give lots of attention to the rich donors... because they have more time to be confused, and you pity them, right?...) Anyway, these rich donors just might be willing to write you an even bigger check if you say the right thing... and saying that you healed their soul (after dying) is just the thing. Completely unverifiable... but if the survivors are under your sway, they will just blush thinking that they did the best thing they ever could have done in their lives is to bring their sick loved ones to be blessed with your special ‘healing’ touch right before they croaked. Ah, you're too good for us, Sri Nithyananda.

Tell, me, Sri Nithyananda, since you healed their soul, does that make you a shoe repairman? Oh, that's the wrong type of soul. This soul is as in 'soul mate', and in husband and wife. Wow, what happens when one of your soul mate devotees gets a divorced over you, say like that Sri Nithya Ajara, a.k.a. Arun Prasant? Remember, he's one of your special priests in California that not only divorced his wife because of you, but then went and womanized to make even more divorces. Is it something like the sole of the shoe doesn't fit the foot? So, all these 'souls' need refitting and you heeled, I mean healed them? Sri Nithyananda, when you say healed them, do you really mean 'heeled' them? It seems like these people got a kick from you... but when you have your own priest doing really bad things, you never even think of kicking him out of your order. Why's that? Are your womanizing priests good for business? I mean that priest will draw more willing and gullible ladies closer to your sphere and test them out for you? And, then they all become confused... so they need special guidance from an ‘enlightened’ master, and perhaps some special healing energy? Sri Nithyananda, you're such a marketing stud. If Bernie Madoff had you as a healing master, I bet he'd still be in business enjoying the good life. Don't worry, Sri Nithyananda, I'm sure you'll find some other opportunities like Mr. Madoff.

Sri Nithyananda, let's look at some of your healing record right now. Sri Nithyananda, can you heal gray hairs? Another session of Samadhi? Why look, Sri Nithyananda, two years ago, you really had a bumper crop of gray hairs? Where are all those gray hairs now? Come to think of it, in the last six years, you, Sri Nithyananda, look like you have aged even faster than your incredible banyan tree, but don't worry, Sri Nithyananda, we'll roast you about this in another post. Back to those gray hairs... can you heal them? Do they really matter? Another instant case of Samadhi! Wake up, Sri Nithyananda, and smell the instant coffee. Do you remember that you told some of your swamis to dye their hair back in 2006? I'll help you remember, you, Sri Nithyananda told Sri Nithya Bhaktananda Swami and Sri Nithya Paramananda to dye their hair. That way, they look like youthful studs, and attract the younger crowd... and those younger ladies are much more useful than those older ladies, at least that what it seems like to you, Sri Nithyananda? Now, I know you, Sri Nithyananda, are faking another round of Samadhi. But, honestly, Sri Nithyananda, all those times you gave people your darshan, I never saw any old ladies with gray hair by your side. But, Sri Nithyananda, don't you know, if you surround yourself with all these young ladies and swamis with dyed hair, you are not going to look that young any more. Why in comparison, you are looking more like Jaggi Vasudev of the Isha Foundation. Isn't that one of your rivals? Don't you want to market yourself as a distinction from him? Oh, I get it now; you want to like Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh), for Osho is definitely the model for everything about you. How silly of me to forget. Sorry, Sri Nithyananda, we’re off track again, but please no more Samadhi's.

Back to those gray hairs... so Sri Nithyananda, if you really wanted to, could you just heal your swamis' gray hair? After all, it costs a lot of money to purchase hair dye, and you don't like to have those additional expenses, do you? Oh, you said that you pity all of the people employed at Grecian Formula ® would be out of work if you healed all those gray hairs. How thoughtful of you. I guess this means that workers at Rogaine and Viagra will not be hurting any time soon either. Wow, Sri Nithyananda, you are sure thoughtful.

Sri Nithyananda, I guess you are right. Why bother to heal something when you can just get it from a bottle. After all, you don't really want to be wasting all your time with graying, balding, and impotent men. That's not what you came down to this planet to do. Healing young, attractive ladies to overcome their fears of intimacy, now that seems to be much more rewarding. Why that even sounds like one of your trademark slogans, "Just relax and surrender to me, the 'enlightened' master. I'll take care of the rest." I bet you will, Sri Nithyananda.

Sri Nithyananda, are people who are under your special healing energy going to be healed faster? That would make sense? Oh, you say "Yes". Sorry, wrong again. Sri Nithyananda, didn't one of your volunteers in 2007 hurt his arm while installing the big, big, big statues of deities in your Vedic Temple in Montclair, California? Has his arm recovered? Where did you go, Sri Nithyananda? Oh, Samadhi again. We really need to stop this instant Samadhi thing. We understand, Sri Nithyananda that after two years, this person's arm has not recovered at all. This poor guy received at least five healing treatments from you, and now, two years later, the doctors have him on physical therapy. The doctors say that he will never fully recover. Wow, your big, big, big, statues of deities sure do bring people good luck. Break a leg, kid. I’m only joking, Sri Nithyananda.

Hey, Sri Nithyananda, since this guy got hurt while at your temple, can he make a claim against your insurance? (Watch for a future post complete with forms on how to claim injuries including brainwashing that occurred at the Vedic Temple in Montclair, California for you and your loved ones.) Sri Nithyananda, I'm sure you would like to see this person get healed or at least have him shut up and not even hint that you're healing energy is useless? Is this correct?

Oh, Sri Nithyananda. Did you just pass out? Or is this a real Samadhi? Help! Help! Is there a doctor in the house? Oh, Sri Nithyananda, you look so sick and pale. We'll continue to investigate your healing energies tomorrow, when you are feeling better.

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