“I’m not here to prove that I’m God; I’m here to show you that I’m a visa beggar.”
Paramahamsa Nithyananda, have you ever been in trouble with the U.S. immigration laws? I know, you will say something like “I’m grounded in Satya (truth) and the Vedic traditions. I just flow through this life with no resistance.” Nice try there, Sri Nithyananda. Do you remember your little mini tour to Canada in late March 2007? Sri Nithyananda! No, you cannot go into samadhi now. I didn’t bring any of those pictures with me. Sri Nithyananda, we just started! Quick. I have to think of something. I know, I will grab my notebook and make a sound of flipping through all the pages. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. (Sound of flipping pages in a notebook.) Sri Nithyananda, I have a stack of new hundred-dollar bills. Listen. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Ah, thanks, there, Sri Nithyananda. I knew you would come out of samadhi. “I never touch money. It means nothing to me.” Thanks, Sri Nithyananda. I know that is the public face you put on, but there’s no one around, so you can behave like you do in private. After all, we have witnesses in 2007 when you held U.S. dollar bills and received hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations as a deposit for the Montclair temple. Boy, did you get excited. “Arrrffffrrrauugh!” Oh, I don’t know that word in Gruntanese, but I imagine that it is not a good thing.
OK, Sri Nithyananda, let’s get back to that Canadian tour of Spring 2007. Remember, you came first to your ashram, in Duarte, California. You, then, lectured and did some cash-collecting program. Then you, Sri Nithyananda, went up to Vancouver, Canada where you did some more lectures and then another cash-collecting program. Then, your next stop was going to be in Seattle, Washington where you were going to give some more lectures and of course, do another cash-collecting program.
However, things didn’t go quite as you planned. On the way back from Vancouver, Canada to the U.S. by car (because you thought you would be able to go ‘under the radar’ through the roadside immigration point), some U.S. Immigration Authority Officer that obviously never did Nithya Dhyaan, wore your mala (rosary) and bracelet, or even watched a YouTube clip of you did the unthinkable. Sri Nithyananda! You’re going into samadhi again. Stop! Stop! Here. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Listen. That is a whole stack of new thousand-dollar bills. Oh, you’re back. That was a close one. Did that government official cancel your U.S. tourist visa? Why Sri Nithyananda? Were you wearing Bermuda shorts, a loud Hawaiian shirt, and some funny sunglasses while in California? But, Sri Nithyananda, even for acting ugly in America, immigration people usually do not cancel tourist reasons for that reason. Oh, it must have been all that cash you were carrying, brochures, books, Nithya malla’s (rosaries), and your website that tipped off the authorities. Sri Nithyananda, do you know that the U.S. authorities know how to surf the web and find things? Perhaps they all bookmarked your site on Delicious. Anyway, Sri Nithyananda, if you are in the U.S. as a tourist, they really want you to spend money and see the scenery... not to make money and cause a scene. I guess you learned that one the hard way.
Sri Nithyananda, do you remember the day that this all happened? Why it was April 2. Do you suppose the U.S. Immigration Office extended April Fools Day (which is on April 1st) by one day in your honor? Looks like the joke was on you, Sri Nithyananda. Should we celebrate this day? You know, kind of like a Boston Tea Party Jyanti?
Sri Nithyananda, did the customs person give you the respect of a true Paramahamsa? You, know, did he act bias to you? You know, the same sort of racist stuff you dish out to white people? (Stay tuned for a future post.) Was this part of your karma, you know what you did to all those white people, someone did back to you? I thought that custom’s official acted with prejudice. Wasn’t that a bit blatant, just kind of like the way you, Sri Nithyananda, act towawards others? Why that custom’s official even wrote in your visa “Canceled With Prejudice.” How dare he! Oh, I’m sorry, “Canceled with Prejudice” is a legal term that means not-even-someone-who-thinks-he-has-divinity-in-his-pocket will be able to overturn this ruling. Oh, and, Sri Nithyananda, what was the custom official’s excuse? Because you were here for ‘holy’ business purposes and were not here as a tourist. Sri Nithyananda, you were busted! Get used to it, kid. There will be more times like this ahead.
Wow, that must have come as quite a shock. After all, Sri Nithyananda, you claim that you can do just about anything; you know, being so godly and all. I mean anyone that can do mass ‘enlightenment’ and proudly say that you’re the avatar of Lord Shiva, Lord Krishna, Devi Minakshi, Lord Ayyaapa, Lord Subramaniam, and a host of other deities could surely get a simple entry into the United States? Maybe it was because you were not wearing Bermuda shorts, a loud Hawaiian shirt, and some funny sunglasses. You know, you really should try that sometime. OK, if it’s cold, some blue jeans.
Now, Sri Nithyananda, since you do all these predictions like how my house will be the epicenter of a 2012 disaster and everything, why couldn’t you at least predict that this immigration official was not going to let you in? If you did that, you might have been able to let those poor devotees in Seattle, Washington enough time not to run all of those costly adds with you big picture on them or rent that big over-sized hall. I bet that hall echoed in your empty promise of being there for them. I imagine, Sri Nithyananda, that those devotees had to hang around the hall all night to tell other potential donors that you were on an extended vacation in Canada. Sri Nithyananda, were you skiing or moose spotting in Canada, eh? Sri Nithyananda, if you can’t even get a visa and predict that you would be denied entry, does this mean you will not be able to get me a new bicycle, a skateboard, or a drum set... or even a winning lottery ticket? Sri Nithyananda, am I wasting my time with you?
So tell me, Sri Nithyananda. With all that time on your hands up in Canada, what did you do, eh? Sri Nithyananda, Sri Nithyananda, Sri Nithyananda! Dang, samadhi again. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Listen. This is the sound of new ten-thousand-dollar bills. No response. Fiddle-faddle. OK. I’ll have to do this one from memory. Yes, I remember now. Sri Nithyananda, you had all your big wealthy influential devotees fly up and pamper you. Wow, we have a VHS video of all of this. Let’s see what happen. There you are meeting all of those people. Sri Nithyananda, you sure look worried... you’re barking out orders to all those people... “Call your Congress Representative!” “Contact your Assembly person!” “Your Senator! Call her!”... and so on. Wow, Sri Nithyananda, you look like one of those people in the disaster movie that crawls over everyone to be the first out of the sinking ship or something. Sri Nithyananda, do you know how to swim? I didn’t think so. Except in bed, of course. Why you, Sri Nithyananda, were so desperate, you even asked white people to help you. Man, that must have been an all time spiritual low.
Ah, Sri Nithyananda, you’re coming to. Don’t worry, after all that begging, Divinity decided that you were now qualified for a religious visa. You were able to return to your ashram and go on with all your big, big, big plans. And, everyone lived happily ever after. Well, not really. But, you promise a make-believe-world, so it's OK to say that.